this month's thoughts

I'm checking in here to let everyone know that I'm having a rough few weeks right now. I haven't really mentioned this here before, but I have been single-parenting nearly full-time since April. My husband is completing a stack of requirements for his doctorate. He has a hard and fast deadline of graduation by December or he will be forced to leave his program. He has already been granted two extensions, so this really is it for him. It's been an almost 10-year investment in time and money, and so we really can't have him failing to finish it.

Anyway, four months into this -- with four months to go -- the stress is really wearing me out. Obviously everyone has a different set of experiences and expectations in their own lives, and I'm not trying to make my problems sound worse than anyone else's -- I have a lot of respect for those of you who are actual single parents, not just temporary ones like me. However, for me, this feels like a lot.

Paired with the fact that Fiona is about the age now that James was when my PPD spiraled out of control last time -- and the fact that I'm feeling so hyperaware of this -- I just feel a little bit out of control right now.

It shouldn't be surprising to me to realize that my process for working on things might change from time to time throughout my life. Three years ago, blogging and photography were really helpful tools for me during a time of intense stress (and depression). Right now -- this month, today -- it's feeling a little bit like a "should" instead of a "want to". Feeling pressure from blogging is not new to me. I have had times before where I get to feeling all wanty and inadequate. I think most of us have. I wrote about it here, a little bit. Anyway, it's had me thinking a lot over the past few days about whether I want to continue to keep this (or any) blog, and what it would look like for me if I did (or didn't). I thought about closing the comments permanently. I spent some time fiddling with the look of the blog, made some drastic changes, changed them back....

Though I can imagine a time when blogging will just not be part of my life anymore, I don't think I'm really in that place right now. What I've come up with, instead, is to take the next two weeks away from the computer. Completely away. No google, no blogs, no email, no articles. No computer. I'm a boundary-setter by nature, and usually breaks like this are helpful to me. They help me to put this all back into proportion, into its proper place. This is, afterall, an entertainment medium. If it's not fun, then there really is no point, right?

I expect to resume some posting here at the end of August. I might still change the look here. I might come up with a posting schedule, or a posting theme, just to help myself get back into a rhythm in this space. I don't know yet about that. I still expect to do a shop update at some point -- I have a stack of very-nearly-completed tote bags that I'm hoping will find lovely homes someplace other than my sewing table! So, I don't expect to be gone for good. Certainly not. But I just need this time to get my real house in order.

Thank you all so very much for your continued support!