B

...is for breastfeeding. I cannot imagine the last 5 1/2 years of parenting without it. I'm fairly certain that my wee ones couldn't, either. It's such a wonderful way for us to connect, relieve stress (for mama and babe), oh, and there's that whole "nature's perfect food" thing, too. Breastfeeding looks so different with a toddler than with a tiny newborn, but it's still such an important part of our relationship.

...is for berries. I'm much more of a vegetable lover than a fruit lover, but berries are the exception. Our plan for this week is to get over to our local organic pick-your-own for raspberries and late-season strawberries.

...is for breakfast. I'm in a bit of a breakfast rut at the moment. Elisabeth always wants pancakes, which I am fairly opposed to making every day (lack of protein and all that). Looking at this photo of yummy, cinnamony millet porridge and applesauce cheers me up a bit, though. If I just made this a week ago, the rut can't be too deep yet! Oh, and we have fresh berries in our breakfast to look forward to this week!

...is for blog. What a wonderful experience blogging has been for me so far! I can't believe how many wonderful people I've met and how motivating it has been for me in my life -- in so many arenas. I love blogging & blogland.

A

Inspired mainly by Erin, I've decided to play along with the Encyclopedia of Me. I'm going to use this as an opportunity to finally send the camera in to Canon and get that mysterious error message taken care of! I've photographed for almost all the posts already, planner that I am! ;)

... is for amethyst. This is my birthstone. I've worn an amethyst ring on my right hand for the last 9 years or so. When I was pregnant with James, I worked overnight shifts as a nurses' aide for a time, and one night the stone fell out of the ring I'd worn all those years. Last summer, when my depression was getting so bad, I really began to miss this thing that had come to define a part of who I was. Then my husband gave me this new one for our 7-year anniversary, and I have never taken it off again. I love it so very much ... it ties together my past, present, and future so neatly and is representative of both negative and positive aspects of my life. So, it's very meaningful to me.

...is for Anne of Green Gables. I discovered Anne when I was 8, and the influence of these books has continued to live on in my life in a big way.

...is for "all better". Inspired by an idea in this book, I created this basket of first aid and other "feel better" remedies when Elisabeth was quite tiny. We use the arnica and the Rescue Remedy more than anything else. But there's a good supply of other useful items, especially a variety of colorful bandaids, our most commonly used essential oils and homeopathic remedies, teething aids, and so on. To quote Mitten Strings for God, "The wicker basket, stored high on a bathroom shelf, invokes a ritual -- it means that time will be taken to ease a pain, that I care, that I will do my best to bring comfort." So true. So important.

Progress

I wrote this (on my previous blog) exactly one year ago:

I have been thinking for the last couple of days about the people that I most admire. They are people who, first of all, seem to accomplish tangible things in their lives; things which produce finished results -- whether it's crafting (sewing, knitting, quilting, paper crafts, etc.), or cooking, or gardening ... Whether it's a hobby, or a profession. They are people whose labors result in a "fruit". I sometimes feel like I am spinning my wheels. I have things that I enjoy doing, but I find that I rarely commit to doing them; I feel like I spend more time "wandering aimlessly" through my days without really accomplishing even small tasks or goals.

Which brings me to the second thing I wanted to say about the people whom I most admire. They all seem to be people who take the time to truly relish the "dailiness" of life. I pay a lot of lip-service to this concept, but in general, I find that I am usually just day-dreaming about the next "big" thing in life (the next holiday to plan, the next event to anticipate, or even the next gifts to buy or make for Christmas or birthdays for my children). I regret that I do not take more time to just enjoy the day that I have right now, and appreciate the wonderful, creative beings that have been entrusted to my care as they are today, not as I imagine they might be at some vague date in the future, or how things would be if we just had a particular toy or a digital camera or a real backyard. More money, more time, more self-discipline, more organizational skills ... whatever.

When I first tried swing dancing ten years ago, the friend who was teaching me said that I was too hyper; that I was adding too much extraneous movement rather than relaxing into the dance. I don't think that he meant this as a real criticism of me, but a tip that could help me with my swing dancing. I had not really thought about this comment again until a couple of weeks ago, when it occurred to me that this is how I am about most things in life. I seem to be in hyperdrive all the time; everything is a potential opportunity for me to overreact or stress-out. I seem to add a lot of "movement" to everything I do. I have not mastered the art of just being. I guess, in many ways, I have never been one of those people who is just "comfortable in my skin."

I know that all you ever know about any person is what they show you of themselves. Everyone has anxiety, and everyone has bad days. And most people do not invite you into their heads to share in these things, unless you are really close, and even then, you get the information through the lens of what they wish to share. So, I know that when I think about these people whom I admire so much, that I am admiring the side of them that I know. But I would still like to capture more of those traits into my own life.

Finally, with regard to this blog, I would like it to be a vehicle to my achieving more balance in my life -- a chance to be "real," to take action, to challenge myself to look for positive & inspiring things in my real daily life.

Wow! (If you got through all of that, I commend you!) This was when James was four months old, and I was about two months away from discovering the depth of my depression (aka "the diagnosis").

Anyway, as I look back over the last year, and especially the last 8 months or so (since I moved to this blog), I can see that a lot has changed around here. Certainly beginning this blog and meeting all of you has been a huge, huge part of it. And I think that the power of my own desire to change and determiniation to make my life a certain way has been the other really significant piece of this puzzle. I still feel that I have a long way to go -- certainly, we all do. I could still see a lot of improvement on reducing the extra "motion" in my "way of being". But I am certainly learning to honor my need for quiet -- and time for creating -- and I know that I am finally on the path that I want to be on for this journey.

Quiet

1. wind, 2. play, 3. whisper ~ 2, 4. whisper ~ one, 5. necklace, 6. Who needs a swift ..., 7. bright candles, 8. beautiful face, 9. Self, 10. Dawn, 11. Peaceful cups, 12. i. love. this. smile., 13. Knot skirt, 14. Solstice night, 15. Snowy lamp, 16. peace, 17. Snow lantern, 18. Advent week 3, 19. vintage bell, 20. 2nd Sunday of Advent - dinner table, 21. butterfly & mermaid : trick-or-treat, 22. halloween butterfly, 23. halloween butterfly, 24. peeling apples, 25. puppet gnome

These are some of my very favorite photos taken since getting my camera about 8 months ago. Beyond just being favorite shots, for me at least, each of these photos evokes a sense of quiet. With two spirited wee ones, our home certainly has its share of ruckus and exuberance. But I am a person who has always fundamentally appreciated -- preferred, really -- quiet. I really relish the opportunity to "just be" instead of constantly "going." Certainly I live in this world, and I do my share of doing. But I really savor those chances to quietly observe, think, and be ~ with myself, and with those I love.   

funny

Still no picture, alas. Still so very, very sick. I am really hoping to be better by Saturday, because it's my sister's post-wedding wedding reception that night, and I am on the books to be the photographer!

Anyway, this is kind of funny -- it shows how deliriously sick I am, and how I should be in bed, not on the computer. I was just looking at this blog to check that the formatting looked all right & everything, and I got caught up reading yesterday's poem. Then, I apparently forgot whose blog I was reading, because as my eyes wandered to the sidebar, I noticed that this person had a lot -- wait, all! -- of the same books on her "Reading" list. My heart skipped a beat a little. Wow! What an incredible coincidence! And then, after being a bit confused for several seconds, I finally realized that this was my own blog. I am going straight to bed now. ;)

on seeking mindfulness

The subtitle of this blog is "working toward mindfulness." I know that mindfulness is a word that is tossed about rather casually, but for me, it is really a defining element of my life and work.

I am a person who seems to have a million things going on in my mind at all times, and I really struggle with being fully present in the moment. Part of my journey, I know, is learning to be more gentle with myself, knowing that having so much going on in my mind has allowed me to learn new things and pick up new skills that I may not have attempted, or even considered, otherwise. And part of my journey is working toward being fully present more of the time.

I have a favorite quote from Thich Nhat Hanh, which "lives" on my desk where I can be reminded of it throughout the day:

If while washing dishes, we think only of the cup of tea that awaits us, thus hurrying to get the dishes out of the way as if they were a nuisance, then we are not 'washing the dishes to wash the dishes.' What's more, we are not alive during the time we are washing the dishes. In fact, we are completely incapable of realizing the miracle of life while standing at the sink. If we can't wash the dishes, the chances are we won't be able to drink our tea, either. While thinking of other things, we are barely aware of the cup in our hands. Thus, we are sucked away into the future -- and we are incapable of actually living one moment of life!

In my life as a mama, this process is most often expressed as a need for consciousness in my daily choices with my wee ones. Whether it's lighting a candle at bedtime, sitting down to breakfast with Elisabeth instead of just throwing it at her when it's ready, or taking a child into my arms when we're both feeling frustrated and out-of-sorts (rather than walking away or snapping), the day is filled with opportunities to make conscious decisions about my interactions with these incredible souls.

I need to remind myself often that none of this is a formula. Lighting a candle at bedtime does not make me a "good" mother; it does offer the chance to pause and savor a sacred time in a child's life. Because life is a process, not an arrival, right?

And I am very, very blessed to have these wee teachers in my life, because no one is better able to live completely in the moment than a child. As a I see James take complete joy in discovering a cat or watching objects fall as he drops them, or as I observe Elisabeth, engrossed in an art project or important imaginitive play, I am given a fresh opportunity to be reminded (again and again) what it is to be fully present and joyful. Today.

Since it's my birthday...

I thought I'd try to do one of those "About Me" lists. I'm limiting it to 50 items because ... well, I think it's hard to read more than about 50 at a time. ;)

1. I'm the oldest of four children, with only 5 1/2 years between me and the youngest.

2. My siblings are two sisters and a brother. (The brother is the third child.)

3. I talk to my mom almost every day.

4. I was homeschooled from age 5-18. My husband was warned not to date me by someone who knew this about me because this person assumed I would be extremely sheltered and uptight.

5. I am uptight, but more in a Type A way, not in a "repressed" way, like that person thought.

6. My husband is 10 years older than me. We got together when I was 19 and he was 29. He was a jazz musician. I was a classical cellist. It was all very scandalous. (Eye roll.)

7. The one thing that irritates me more than any other is misuse of apostrophes.

8. I am really, really into the Renaissance and also a huge Anglophile. My favorite historical figure is Queen Elizabeth I, which leads to...

9. My favorite movie of all time is Elizabeth. I saw it 4 times in the theater and have watched it about 90 times on DVD.

10. My other favorite movies are Love Actually and Pride and Prejudice, primarily because I cannot resist Colin Firth jumping into ponds.

11. My mom is way craftier than me; I just aspire to be like her one day.

12. I am a true auditory learner, which most people find to be some sort of oddity.

13. Another thing which many people are surprised to find out is that my favorite color is pink. Apparently, I do not seem like the type of person whose favorite color would be pink. By the way, it's not hot pink. It's shell pink.

14. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be "The Queen" when I grew up. (Most of the other little girls were saying things like "a teacher," or "an astronaut," or "a veteranarian." But not me. Nope. I was going to be The Queen.)

15. Prior to being homeschooled, I went to preschool for two years. I once lied to the teacher at my preschool about being allergic to oranges so I wouldn't have to eat the pith. She made me eat it anyway. I also once told that teacher that I had a 12-year-old brother who would be picking me up from school on his motorcycle. No wonder my parents decided to homeschool me.

16. I was Completely Obsessed with Anne of Green Gables when I was a girl. I also really liked Laura Ingalls & Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm & Caddie Woodlawn & A Girl of the Limberlost and all that. But it was Anne of Green Gables who held my true loyalty.

17. I kind of want to live in the olden days. I think Elisabeth does, too.

18. Since I'm so high strung, it's a good thing that my husband is a really mellow guy.

19. I am really good at languages and often unconsciously imitate the accents and inflections of people to whom I'm talking.

20. I am really obsessed with Dave Matthews.

21. I have lived in 12 different homes; 9 of those were in the last 10 years.

22. I drive a Subaru Outback wagon, which I've had for 6 years.

23. Despite being Type A, I am really messy. My friend Rachel says that this is called "anal expulsive" in Freudian terms. Not sure what to do with that information.

24. I am typing this one-handed while nursing my baby.

25. I was on swim team for several years in my early teens. I am a more-than-competent swimmer, but I'm still afraid of drowning!

26. I love Martha Stewart and I'm not afraid to admit it. I don't think she was guilty, either. And I really, really miss Martha By Mail.

27. The two things I find most difficult about my daily blogging goal is naming posts and the hideously long process of uploading pictures.

28. I have always struggled with naming things I've written. So much so, that in a poetry workshop in college, I named every one of my poems "infinity." I had some excuse that since everything is contained within infinity, that everything was comprised of infinity. Or something.

29. I say "hideous" a lot. A lot. I have my daughter -- and most of my friends -- saying it now, too.

30. I have not struggled with naming our children, however. Both of them were named long before they were conceived. James my favorite boy's name since I was 12!

31. Speaking of names, I use my maiden name. It has rarely been a problem. I am fine with people referring to me by my husband's last name in family situations, though it does bother me if people refer to my children using my last name.

32. Now, don't get all up in arms about this one, but I don't really care for chocolate. I like hot chocolate. But not chocolate candies.

33. Also, that doesn't really matter anymore, because I found out last summer that I'm allergic to milk, so I can't really have many chocolatey things anymore, anyway.

34. The only thing I really miss is ice cream. Rice Dream just isn't the same.

35. I am still typing this one-handed.

36. I detest plastic in its every incarnation. I mean, except my camera, sewing machine, and serger. Even as a child, I refused to drink from plastic cups. It has always just been "gross" to me. Now I have environmental reasons to hate it. ;)

37. I read for a minimum of 1-2 hours every day. I used to read novels exclusively. Now I rarely read novels. I often read cookbooks & knitting books, and books on educational philosophy. A day without reading is a really bad day for me.

38. Before I was a mama or even a musician, writing was my first love. I've always aspired to publish something (don't know what yet).

39. I have many, many favorite books. Off the top of my head, some of them are: Pride and Prejudice, Millennial Child, Mitten Strings for God, Shakespeare's Complete Works, Eats, Shoots & Leaves, The Return of the Native, Lord of the Rings, You Are Your Child's First Teacher, and lots of others that I won't list now.

40. I collect stuff. All sorts of stuff. Hobbies, vocabulary words, vintage ribbon, paper, fabric, magazines, rubber stamps ... I just hang onto it all.

41. Other than the things that really count (my family, etc.) my three favorite things are: wool, cherry pie, and snow. A snowy day snuggled in warm woolens eating cherry pie is pretty much a little bit of heaven.

42. I really hope to take singing lessons at some point during my life. I'd also like to begin cello lessons again, just for my own growth as a musician, even though I already have a degree in it.

43. Being a musician has opened so many doors for me and literally changed my life.

44. I have the temper to go with my naturally red hair. My poor family. The one good thing is that I usually cool down pretty quickly and do not carry grudges.

45. I am a total homebody. I would rather stay home than anything else.

46. My husband and I dream of moving to a more rural area.

47. I wish I were more into nature than I actually am.

48. I love making fresh lemonade.

49. My favorite flower is the tulip, and I love that it's in season for my birthday.

50. Here I am on my first birthday. I love my birthday and I look forward to it like a little kid every year. This year is no exception! I am so excited that it's my birthday and will be enjoying a fun day with family!

OK, so now that I've shared, won't you all add something about yourselves?

Funky

I've been reading all over blogland about this February Funk. It's funny, because part of me wants to exclaim, "Yes! Absolutely!" at the sheer recognition. And part of me, well, relishes February. Like Stephanie, I appreciate that the days are noticeably longer now; that the sun rises with me, instead of long after. I appreciate that Valentine's Day always brings with it a little taste of spring, but usually with the promise of one or two more cozy, snowy days to follow. (Usually in April, in my geographical area.) 

On the other hand, with my birthday falling at the end of this month, February does feel like a long wait: until my birthday, until the end of winter, etc. Sometimes, in the throes of February, winter can feel neverending. There is so much to look forward to, and it seems that time ticks away so slowly.

So, I don't seem to fall into either February "camp." There are definitely a lot of "blahs," but I do appreciate the stillness that comes at this time. Winter has officially settled in, and although there are signs to remind us that spring will certainly come again, there is still a need to look inward, snuggle down, and accept the winteriness of it all. It is a good lesson in mindfulness and peace for me.

Because I'm crazy like that

So, having decided that I was overreacting in my last post, and having further decided not to send the camera at all until after the children's birthdays (James's is March 12 and Elisabeth's is April 10), you will be hearing more from me over the coming weeks.

The main reason we (as in Elisabeth and myself) have decided not to send the camera is that she remembered a certain project that we thought we'd copy for James's birthday. I am so excited, even though I'm being a total copy-cat.

So, be back soon!

Five things about me

Hello, this is for Casey. I would not being doing this at all if she were not so cute. But let's not start tagging Grace with tons of memes, OK? OK. Edited: That sounded a bit more curmudgeonly than I intended. (See number 2 below.) ;)

5. I stalked my husband for five months before he finally asked me out. Which was, by the way, when I was 19 and he was 29. Scandalous!

4. I prefer the purl stitch to the knit stitch.

3. I'm a synesthete.

2. I got up at 5:00am today.

1. I have to go craft a Tooth Fairy gift now.

Self :: Motherhood

I was born to be a mama. Even at age three, look how I cradled my doll and held her hand.

I'm also a person who has to find my own way in everything I do. My own mother, who had me at age 21 in 1978, courageously breastfed, cloth-diapered, and homeschooled us when those things were not "being done." As I child, I was kind of embarrassed of these things. Everyone else was using those disposable bottle liners with those huge playtex bottle nipples. Everyone else was using those heavily-perfumed disposable diapers. Everyone else was going to school.

I thought I would do things so differently when I had my own children. Sometimes you try to look backward and connect the dots about how you got to where you are now. When I try to do this with my parenting journey, I think one of the most influential things was my Suzuki training (which I did before I was a mama). There were many other influences, of course, but this was the first thing that led me to a place of gentle parenting. Of course, where my own parents had been all along.

Here are Elisabeth and I after her birth. She was born at 2am in a hospital. Her birth was the most powerful -- and disappointing -- experience of my life. Sure, it was the "ideal" hospital birth: fast labor (3 1/2 hours), hospital midwife, doula, no epidural, no episiotomy, no IV, big (8 lb. 4 oz.) healthy baby. But it was a fearful, empty experience. I have made peace with this birth (after some expensive therapy), and I now acknowledge that, for whatever reason, this was the first lesson that I needed to learn as a mama, and it was also the way in which Elisabeth needed to enter this world.

Here are James and I on the day he was born. In some ways, his birth was similar to Elisabeth's: intense, very fast labor (60 minutes), big (9 lb. 2 oz.) baby. Certainly both babies came after what I would describe as difficult pregnancies. But in the four years between the two of them, I had learned a lot about myself, and I knew I wanted more with my next birth. So James was born at home. His birth was truly a beautiful, spiritual, and confident one. I think of it as the "closure" to my first birth.

Motherhood, like nothing else in my life, magnifies my flaws. But it also challenges and strengthens me to overcome them like nothing else ever could. Despite the many, many challenges our daily lives present, I know that I am doing what I was meant to do. I found my calling in motherhood.

Self :: Skirts

I have worn a skirt every day for the last 2.5 years. I guess it started because I thought that skirts accentuated certain "problem areas" less than shorts in the summer, so I switched from shorts to skirts about 3 or 4 summers ago. I gradually started to feel more comfortable in skirts than pants, and so the skirt revolution (in my wardrobe, at least) began. I've been asked if it's a religious thing ("It is now," I've quipped more than once), if it's a modesty thing (no ... unless you count the whole shorts thing at the beginning), if it's a girly-girl thing (I suppose this could be part of it).

I just don't like to wear pants anymore, although I would, in certain circumstances. For example, if I were to go skiing (I never would) or snowshoeing (I really want to), I'd wear pants. But otherwise ... not so much.

Circumstances in which I have worn a skirt in the last 2.5 years:

moving - twice; plus moving some furniture around, up & down stairs, etc., in between

tent camping in the woods

bike riding (with bike shorts underneath)

sledding

yoga

Circumstances in which I have failed to wear a skirt in the last 2.5 years:

sleeping (I always sleep in pants ... usually hospital scrubs!)

working in a hospital (hospital scrubs here, too)

Do I ever see a pair of perfectly faded, striated jeans that I really, really want? Yes, but I like skirts more.